Once in a while, life gives us space. Space for things to develop organically. Space for the things that haven’t yet been worked out to complete. Space for thoughts to move in, turn, connect, and formulate. Space for people who are instrumental to the whole thing to arrive.
Sometimes the space that shows up in our lives is small. Sometimes we have to create it deliberately with conscious effort – moving our schedules, saying no to new activities or requests, getting up a little earlier. Sometimes the space is bigger. We make the choice to switch careers or move to a new place with less traffic, or we decide we’re just not going to pay for that gym membership we never use. Sometimes the space is violently and suddenly thrust upon us through life’s circumstances – the death of a loved one, the break-up of a relationship, a friend moves across the country, or we lose a job. And sometimes many of these things happen all at once, and it seems like overnight our lives have nothing but space and a few activities to remind us that we’re still living. Life, as we knew it, has been wiped out, and the space is so vast it seems impossible to fill.
The space that was thrown at me is wider than the west Texas landscape, and four days ago, I was handed an extra dose of space with all of the emotional complications that seem to come with each of these SpaceMakers. Enough already, life.
Thus far in my recovery, I’ve learned to take these things to God in prayer and meditation. I already had the feeling that I am in a sort of preparation place – that all of this space has a purpose, and I don’t feel like I’m supposed to re-create what I had before with different people. But the temptation to fill all of this space is great.
So, I took it to God. The answers were not what I wanted. I want the plan laid out before me. If nothing else, I at least want to know what’s next. What can I do? What project am I working on? I want to get busy DOING. Instead what I got was a request for more space through the removal of my biggest time-suck/wasters, namely the mindless distractions on my phone. These things must be reduced; still more space is required. And a request for patience and trust.
I managed to escape this realization without taking clipping shears to buzz-cut my head Brittany Spears style (yes, the impulse was real!). So, I’m going to call it a win. Now I patiently wait, working on a few housekeeping items in the meantime. Forward motion is happening, just without the leaps and bounds I so desperately want right now to leave this all behind. There is still work to do before the past can become the past.
Uncomfortable is an appropriate word. At least it has moved on to this from the soul-punching, gut-wrenching, heart-twisting, insides-in-a-Cuisinart smorgasbord of emotional hell I’ve just passed through. I guess as the saying goes, “more will be revealed”.
We now return you to your regularly scheduled programming…